Featured Image: The inside of the church across the street from The Porches Writing Retreat
“Dear diary, December 22, 2008. 8:52am
If god was real than why doesn’t he answer everyone’s prayers? Does he choose like only some people? ‘Cause I want him to grant my wish/prayer. I mean like, I’m a great person…right?
…God is a fake. He does nothing good for me. I hate him.”
I was twelve when I started questioning God. At the time, I had just gotten my first period, which immediately jumpstarted a lifelong battle with depression. I was never religious; I wasn’t raised with any religion nor was ever taught about it. But for someone who doesn’t believe in God, I mentioned Him a lot in my diary, and there were many times in my life where I prayed to Him to end whatever pain I was in.
I just never thought it was fair, I didn’t do anything to deserve the constant mental anguish that I couldn’t shake no matter what I did. I’d ask Him why, why, why me. There was nothing wrong with my life, I had no real reason to be sad as a preteen, or really at any age. At the time, the only one I could blame was Him, but as I got older I just started blaming myself: “Humans are a speck on a speck of a speck and I am just a smaller speck—one of BILLIONS, yet for some reason I was lucky enough to be born in a time and place where I am well-fed and taken care of and I have the AUDACITY to ever feel bad about my life?” (2015). I admit, it was easier just to blame Him.
At one point, while I was feeling good (or drunk maybe), I took it as a challenge: “Life is a game of Try Not To Die so to kill yourself is quite…illogical? And I love games … Pretend Gods trying to kill me and living becomes a defiant act” (June 2016). This was, of course, me just trying to make myself feel better. ‘Make it a game’ I said, trying to pretend like the game of Life isn’t the hardest and most complicated game of them all.
I don’t blame God anymore, and I only blame myself on some days. It was always just biology plus circumstance. I felt everything times ten and when I was heavily medicated, I felt nothing at all, and I’m not sure which was worse. Now I just feel, and accept, and move on.
There’s no use putting faith in God at this point, He failed me when I needed Him and I’m doing just fine without Him. Plus, He’s currently failing millions if not billions of people I mean Jesus just kill the greedy 1%ers* or something come on help a planet out…where’s the rapture when you need it yaknowwhatImean?