Featured Image: Differentiate yourself from all the other seagulls. And stop shitting on the sidewalks.
Title: Obviously, Who Are You by The Who
I’ve been spending a lot of time in the last few years simply getting to know Andria (that’s me, in case you don’t know whose blog you’re reading).
This blog itself has been a testament to my wanting to get the disorganized chaos in my head into organized, typed-out chaos. I now have proof of all my long-form thoughts in a single location and can point to them for reference. I can outsource attempts at getting to know me by pointing them here. It also helps me identify patterns in my own thinking (e.g., thinking of an idea and then remembering I’ve already wrote a post on that particular subject is both frustrating and eye-opening). This has been a kind of diary for me without some of the more private details.
I’ve been digging into my past lately, to get to know myself. I’ve been rereading my actual diary a lot; even recent history sometimes can be revelatory. In find that looking back on things that have happened in my life with nuance and a new understanding helps with creating a more complete picture of myself. I’ve also been going through my various hoarded trinkets as they help elicit memories that otherwise lay dormant. I’ve found my old cell phones and cameras and spent $30 on an SD card reader so I could rediscover the “lost media” of my youth. I’ve been trying to find my old iPod nano and touch but to no avail. While I remember most of the music I listened to then (because it’s the same music I listen to now), I know there’s gotta be some forgotten songs on there. The iPod touch might even have long-lost photos of an angsty, teenage Andria*.
I’ve been reviewing the history of my mental health, too. I’ve noticed that the majority of my depression is just in the winter; It’s just the weather. While I cannot control the weather, I have found ways to combat the way it makes me feel, like planning an island vacation with my best friend for mid-winter, and buying a SADD lamp and maybe a tanning-bed membership. I allow the cloudy days to be cloudy days, and make room for self-care.
I’ve also done extensive research into the mysteries of my physical health. I have had issues all my life with my skin, joints, digestion, and well goddammit I’m tired of this grandpa. I am no longer taking ‘shrugs’ as answers. Fighting so hard to get a diagnosis for a disease that causes fatigue is majorly frustrating, and easy to give up on, but it is affecting my quality of life and while few things in this world are fair, I think it’s a bit unfair that I’ve gotta do what everyone else is doing while getting nerfed. Getting to know why my body is the way it is will help with me work with it better; I want to fight the source not the symptoms.
I spent a lot of my youth just going through the motions of life without putting much thought into how I could optimize my life, make it work for me, make it more enjoyable for me. You have to find out what you like and what you don’t, what your boundaries are, what your body can handle, what your brain can handle, so that you can accommodate yourself appropriately. For example, I know I can’t stand for long periods of time so instead of toughing it out and standing because everyone else is, I will sit. I know staying out late will ruin my next day so I go home. I know loud noises can make me have sensory overload so I wear ear protection, or leave.
Identifying these things took longer than you’d think. When you don’t know what you like, you’ll never get what you want (literally, people will never get you the right birthday present). You don’t know how you like to be touched? Well, you’ll never be satisfied. You don’t know what hobbies you like? Well, you’re going to be fucking bored.
Explore yourself, and then accommodate. Try new things and see what sticks (including trying to stop doing certain things). Go back to your roots; go try those things you did as a kid that adult-you said you didn’t have time for and see if it still makes you as happy as it used to. Look at what you do on a weekly basis, and identify the things that make you happy and the things that don’t. And the things that don’t make you happy but you still have to do? Make accommodations; identify WHY you don’t like them, and figure out a reasonable accommodation.
If you spend every day just doing things that you think you have to do, or doing things that other people want to do, or even just doing things for the sake of doing something, you will never feel satisfied with life.
So, like Tim Robinson says in that one skit, you have to figure out what you do before you come out here.
Bonus Content:
As a kind of separate but related thought. Don’t fucking let anybody tell you what to like or dislike. I fucking love rewatching and rereading Twilight and I will stand by that. I love shitty 2000s emo songs. I love the color pink (you know how much internalized misogyny you have to overcome to love the color pink? Like a ton.) I listened to Olivia Rodrigo’s album ‘Sour’ like a good couple of times and I don’t care that I’m closer to 30 than I am to my first love. “Guilty pleasures” should hold no guilt, let them be pleasure.
In the same vein, accommodating yourself should hold no guilt. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about doing something to make your life better or easier.
*I try not to think of myself in the abstract, but I often think of past versions of me as different Andrias. Much like I think tomorrow-Andria will have the energy to do my dishes. Yes, we are ever-changing beings and there are many versions of you but those versions are more like patches in a video game, and sometimes those patches fix bugs and sometimes they accidentally create them (ex: Patch 26.10 just fixed a bug where she can actually make phone calls without having a panic attack after.) It’s still the same game, it just gets balanced every once in a while to accommodate new metas.
Damn, That's Crazy 